Life is hard...let there be anthems

 Life is hard sometimes and full of pain. The famous quote from Princess Bride is not far off from reality and we all can relate.

Brené Brown, author of Daring Greatly, talks about the importance of having an anthem for those times when life is hard. When you are fighting in the arena and feel beaten down and like you just can’t get up one more time – it is important to remind yourself that you can do it. You can be brave and show up in life and take risks. I am taking a class from Brené online with a friend – and our homework many weeks ago was to come up with our anthem. The song that inspires us. A song to put on loudly that will pump you up and inspire you to keep going. She was adamant about it – use headphones, turn up the speakers...really know your song. Brené can be a little intense.

I did my homework…always the good little girl. I love music and have lots of random songs on my phone – so scrolled through the day before we were going to talk about our anthems. I found one that I felt pretty okay with. We talked about it – had a good discussion. And I forgot about it. I actually listened to my friend’s anthem a lot of times…but mine got forgotten (not untypical for me…we are working on self-care in Brené now but that is another post).

Recently, life got hard…as life does. Things happen that you don’t expect and you feel shoved off a cliff and spiral into despair. I got shoved and landed at the bottom of a pit that I didn’t feel like I could climb out of.

“Listen to your anthem,” my “oh, so not helpful” friend told me. “Be brave.”

I don’t do so well when people remind me to be healthy and remind me that I have the tools to help myself not wallow. I would prefer to just play the victim and curl up in my ball of sadness. I resonate with “Sadness” from Inside Out for a reason. Don’t you just want to let me lie here and you can pull me around by my foot?

I half-heartedly listened to my anthem once. Told my friend to shut up a few times (no joke). Whined a bit…cried a lot.

Then today I was driving around in my car at lunch listening to a random playlist on my Amazon Prime account. There are a million songs on there…not chosen carefully…just there to listen to if I need some variety. Today I hit shuffle. And this song came on.

And I have a new anthem.

This song said everything I feel. That life is hard and sometimes you just don’t want to keep going and you don’t want to take risks anymore…but you can rise up and be strong. In spite of the ache…in spite of the pain that doesn’t go away…it just dulls over time. I will continue to take the same risks and will continue to fall and continue to experience pain…and will rise up a thousand times and do it again.

I am listening to this song with my headphones on and the sound turned up real loud. Because Brené was right…turning it up real loud drowns out the voices in your head that tell you that you are not going to be okay. And this too shall pass.

The Need to be Needy

There is an animal shelter right down the street from my house that has a giant sign outside. Most times this sign says things designed to pull the heart strings – like describing a lonely kitten or puppy that needs a home. But frequently, it simply says “Need dry dog food – Purina” or “Need kitty litter – any kind”. I have seen it a million times over the years, but this time it struck me differently.

I am a person who really lives to be needed. I have finally realized this about myself. I love to listen and be there for people when they go through crisis. I know how to sit in the hard times and give of my time and energy. I love it when someone comes to me for advice or when they are sad. Because deep down I feel needed – like there is a purpose for the pain I have gone through. That I was wired up a certain way for a reason. I like this feeling.

But the feeling I don’t like – is being needy. The very word “needy” makes me start to twitch and cringe. I don’t want anyone to know when I feel needy because this is not where I am comfortable. Being the needed one – I got that one down. But being needy – is not okay.

I was taught not to be needy. I was taught to be strong, to face adversity, to suck it up. And I do this REALLY well. So well, that most people have zero idea what is really going on with me. I used to wear this as a badge of honor. I can do it all by myself. I don’t need help.

But the problem with that strategy is that it is stupid. Let’s just be real. It is not possible for someone to never need anything. And by pretending I was fine and not letting others see that I was needy sometimes, I was doing myself a disservice. I was not allowing others to show they care for me. I wasn’t letting others walk with me.

I had lunch with a friend yesterday who asked me point blank, “how do you handle asking for help?” A few months ago I would have had a stock answer, making it look like I had it all together. I would use some platitudes and shrug aside the personal question by turning it back on the asker. But I have a different perspective now.

Because I have been working on showing when I am needy. I had tangible examples to give. And I was honest. “It sucks. It is awful. It is never comfortable to show when I need help. It doesn’t get easier – sometimes it actually gets harder. But you have to do it. Because guess what, we are all needy. And others want to help, but they aren’t going to magically see your need. I tried that for years and it didn’t work. I just got bitter that no one noticed the neediness that I hid inside. So you just have to do it. You have to ask.”

So today I am wondering, as I pass the sign for the animal shelter, what would it look like if we all just let our neediness hang out there. Put a sign on our desk or doorways – wore a nametag that stated very clearly what we needed. I can’t think of anything scarier. BUT, without naming the neediness, without letting others know the need, they don’t know. They are not given the opportunity to help.

There are days I just need a few words of encouragement. Every day I need people to say good morning to me. Some days I just need someone to ask me how I am doing. Some really hard days I need a hug. I have actually verbalized all of those needs over the past few months. And while it feels awful to have to ask, I have gotten my needs met that way. Rather than sitting there alone hoping someone somehow discerned I needed extra attention, rather than worrying that I am “too needy” or “too much”, I just say, “hey, I miss you and want to hang out.” Or “I am having a sad day and just need a hug”.

Really crazy stuff. Really scary stuff. But as always, I am surprised by how effective it is. I am surprised by how a simple question can deepen a relationship or make a new friend. Because vulnerability is attractive to others. So rather than coming off looking like a mess, I have been told I am really brave, or really open.

So maybe we all really should wear nametags stating our greatest needs. Who knows what might happen if we just let people know what we need?