How to Love Someone Who is Hurting

I have learned more than my fair share about how to love someone in pain during the course of my life. But watching my daughter struggle through a long term illness has reminded me that it is the little things that can make all the difference.

Most people who are dealing with a long term illness or a trauma don’t expect you to fix it for them.  My daughter is in pain every single minute of every single day. You wouldn’t know it to look at her because when she knows you are looking, she puts on her brave face. She smiles and laughs. She is a good faker so it isn’t until you look deep into her eyes that you see the pain lurking there. You ask her how she is doing and her gut response is “fine”. That is the right answer, isn’t it? Isn’t that what people want to hear?

You have to ask again to get the true response. “Fine” is the knee jerk response. It is testing the waters to see if you really want to know. Unfortunately, most people don’t want to know more than “fine”. It gets messy when you aren’t “fine”. It gets awkward and uncomfortable.

But ask again…”how are you really” and you might get the real response. For my daughter, the answer is, “My head hurts”.  All day long, every single day…her head hurts. There are varying intensity levels – some days the pain is at a “6” on the pain scale. This is a good day. She might be able to read and do a little bit of homework. She might be able to go to school and pay attention to her teachers. Her head will still hurt…but it is doable. But most days, the headache weighs in at an 8 or higher. On the scale they have at the doctor’s office – the “8” is a grimacing face. It is extreme pain. My daughter hides her grimace and her tears. She doesn’t want to burden anyone with her pain.

Hiding how you really feel works for a while. But when the pain is bad, there is a breaking point. There is a time when you just can’t pretend things are fine anymore. For my daughter, recently her body just gave out. She pushed so hard for so long that she no longer has days that weigh in at “6”. She is at an “8” every day. She can’t go to school, do homework, concentrate for too long…she needs lots of rest and gets exhausted easily. She wants to push through the pain but her body is rebelling.

How do you help someone going through this kind of pain? There is nothing that fixes it. No medicine you can give that takes it away (believe me we have tried), nothing you can do to help relieve the pain. It seems hopeless…and this is where most people bail. Not seeing a tangible thing that will help – they don’t know what to do so they do nothing. After all, it is easy to do nothing. Out of sight …out of mind. It isn’t that they don’t want to help most of the time…they just don’t know how.

But there really are things you can do to help someone who is hurting – whether that is physical pain like Molly or emotional pain. You can be there.

How can you be there? There is the obvious…visit. Visit often and for short or long periods of time. Molly is home alone all day long every day by herself. She has one friend who comes over every day after school and just sits with her. She takes her to Target or to visit her dog or to McDonalds for a Diet Coke. She sits and watches television with her, does homework with her, strokes her head when she is in pain. She gives her hugs and reminds her that other people care and are asking about her. Everyone needs this kind of friend -the friend that doesn’t need to be entertained and understands that sometimes you have no words to ask for help. She just shows up and is there.

But visits don’t have to be long. Stop by any time you can spare five minutes. Maybe you just give a hug or make a meal. Bring Starbucks or a silly gift. Reminders that you are not being forgotten and that people care make a huge difference. Molly had her band director stop by on a moment’s notice to pray for her the other night. He was at the house for 5 minutes but she felt cared for and loved. It doesn’t take long.

Send cards, texts, Skype, phone calls…just be intentional about communicating often. Talk about what is going on in the outside world…this is important. But it is more important to ask questions. How are you doing? Are you sad? Are you lonely? You can’t fix these things but you can listen and let someone know they are loved.

Because after all…isn’t that what it is all about?