"You don't like people"

This is one of the lies I believed for a long time about myself. Weird lie to believe, I know. But I believed a lot of weird things because I was told them over and over by someone who claimed to love me. And I had such a low self-esteem that I believed them.

I had always had trouble with friends. I never really had a best friend growing up. No one who I could count on to hang out with and rely on. Books were my friends and I spent many hours with Laura Ingalls and Anne Shirley.

Crowds made me uncomfortable. I would get lost in them. I wasn’t good at making small talk so I never knew what to say. I was also taught not to interrupt and so I couldn’t figure out how to break in to conversations. But my ex-husband came alive in those settings, telling stories and being the center of attention. Because a lot of those stories were about me and I didn’t always like or agree with the way I was portrayed – parties and social settings became things I dreaded. I would often find one person to talk to or go play with the little kids to escape my embarrassment.

Because of this I was told I didn’t like people.

And I believed it.

Even when I learned more about being introverted and realized I would rather have a good deep conversation with one or two rather than be in a large group, I still felt maybe there was something wrong with me.

Many crazy lies I believed from my dysfunctional marriage were brought to light over the years and shattered. Watching lies shatter is a beautiful thing. But this one didn’t shatter like some of the others.

This one dissipated gradually over a series of events and years. Small things like friendly conversations with strangers at the park, at the store or at retreats. Little things like meeting new people and finding connections right away. Larger realizations like finding that I am not truly happy in a job where I can’t connect with lots of people on a daily basis. Having people comment that I am friendly and function as an extrovert in certain safe settings – all served to further debunk that lie from so long ago.

I was slow to realize this truth about myself…but am glad that today I can actually believe it. 

I love connecting with people.

 In the last 48 hours, I have lunched with a new 24-year old friend where we bonded over our mutual love of “The Fosters” among other more serious topics, exchanged witty and hilarious text messages and swapped funny stories with my 26-year old coworker, had “drinks” with my 18-year old second daughter BFF, and had countless smaller interactions with co-workers, strangers and family. I think if I hated people I would be slightly less inclined to seek connections with such a diverse group of people.

Do I still struggle with small talk? Absolutely. I will always choose the deeper connection over the surface chatter. But I think that is why I seem to be the one others confide in. And while I might not have 1,000 friends on Facebook – those I do have are important and bring fond memories. 

So today I am going to banish that crazy lie from my head. It seems time…