Conscious Peace

As I pulled into my driveway last night coming home from my Writer’s Retreat at Ragdale, I consciously thought about how I could extend the peace and mellowness I felt as long as possible. On the ninety minute drive home, I had turned on the classical music station and chilled out to Mozart. I knew my daughter would be gone until Monday night, and I had decided to take Monday off of work so I could ease back into real life chores and deadlines. I felt that five hours was a reasonable goal. Surely I could isolate myself a little longer from reality and be blissful for five more hours.

My zen-like state lasted exactly this long.

This is how long it took for my garage door to open. You see, my ex-husband was moving out of his apartment this weekend and had asked if he could drop my daughter’s stuff off while I was gone. I had agreed to this plan after talking to Molly about how much stuff she had. It was a bed, a dresser and a bookshelf along with “a few” boxes. I specifically said to put it all in the basement.

Yeah…that didn’t happen.

What my open garage door revealed to me was a half-filled garage full of boxes. I couldn’t even pull my car in if I had wanted to.

There went my peaceful weekend and out spilled the exasperated anger that I so often associate with my passive aggressive ex. I was afraid to go downstairs because my only thought in that moment was that obviously he had filled the basement and the garage was overflow.

But no, the basement was not filled (and I will take that as the only good part of this story). BUT what I found down there was a heavy disassembled and half broken bed, two dressers (one of them completely broken and tossed in the corner), a chair and a bookshelf.

So the heavy stuff that I can’t move alone (including a broken 6-drawer dresser I am going to have to figure out how to get upstairs to the trash) is down the stairs and the multitude of boxes that I am going to have to move are in my garage.

I allowed myself to be angry for about five minutes. I ran through all of the scenarios of how this could play out. I had every right to call him up and demand that he get back to my house and haul everything downstairs. I could also (in a less angry move) ask Molly to ask him or ask Molly to ask a few of her friends to do it. Unfortunately, Molly can’t help with her healing broken arm – although together we can do just about anything – girl power.

Or, I could leave it all alone and go back to my blissful place.

I am happy to say that is the road I chose. I brought in my stuff from the car and turned on my computer. I took a few minutes to post my last thoughts from Ragdale on my blog and read through a few of the things I wrote. I let the house be silent for a while and didn’t feel the need to unpack or do anything.

After a while, I did go downstairs and attempt to fix the bed thinking Molly might like to sleep there tonight when it gets hot. I did get it upright although I would not advise jumping on it.

I also went on Pinterest and found a few ways I could salvage the broken dresser. This might be a good project once Molly leaves in the fall. I am actually excited about it now – using my creative energy in a more physical way.

This morning, I took 30 minutes to haul all of the boxes downstairs so I could use my garage. I also didn’t want Molly to see everything thrown in there. Unfortunately, in attempting to get back at me, thought is not always given to how it affects others.  Molly is already sad that there is no place for her in her dad’s life anymore. Before she had a room. Now she doesn’t.

Now I am lounging on my porch reflecting on the whole experience. The amount of effort it took me to stay in my zen place is really how I should be approaching my entire life. Giving in to the outside forces of the world that fight to pull me out of a place of peace takes work.

In retrospect, I am proud of the way I handled the situation. I allowed myself to feel my emotions of anger and frustration. I let them go rather quickly. I turned it into a positive (or at least less negative) and moved on. If only I could do this in more of my life.

Excuse me, I now need to go change the code on my garage door. After all, I am not stupid.