There is an animal shelter right down the street from my
house that has a giant sign outside. Most times this sign says things designed
to pull the heart strings – like describing a lonely kitten or puppy that needs
a home. But frequently, it simply says “Need dry dog food – Purina” or “Need
kitty litter – any kind”. I have seen it a million times over the years, but
this time it struck me differently.
I am a person who really lives to be needed. I have finally
realized this about myself. I love to listen and be there for people when they
go through crisis. I know how to sit in the hard times and give of my time and
energy. I love it when someone comes to me for advice or when they are sad.
Because deep down I feel needed – like there is a purpose for the pain I have
gone through. That I was wired up a certain way for a reason. I like this
feeling.
But the feeling I don’t like – is being needy. The very word
“needy” makes me start to twitch and cringe. I don’t want anyone to know when I
feel needy because this is not where I am comfortable. Being the needed one – I
got that one down. But being needy – is not okay.
I was taught not to be needy. I was taught to be strong, to face
adversity, to suck it up. And I do this REALLY well. So well, that most people
have zero idea what is really going on with me. I used to wear this as a badge
of honor. I can do it all by myself. I don’t need help.
But the problem with that strategy is that it is stupid. Let’s
just be real. It is not possible for someone to never need anything. And by
pretending I was fine and not letting others see that I was needy sometimes, I
was doing myself a disservice. I was not allowing others to show they care for
me. I wasn’t letting others walk with me.
I had lunch with a friend yesterday who asked me point
blank, “how do you handle asking for help?” A few months ago I would have had a
stock answer, making it look like I had it all together. I would use some
platitudes and shrug aside the personal question by turning it back on the
asker. But I have a different perspective now.
Because I have been working on showing when I am needy. I
had tangible examples to give. And I was honest. “It sucks. It is awful. It is
never comfortable to show when I need help. It doesn’t get easier – sometimes it
actually gets harder. But you have to do it. Because guess what, we are all
needy. And others want to help, but they aren’t going to magically see your
need. I tried that for years and it didn’t work. I just got bitter that no one
noticed the neediness that I hid inside. So you just have to do it. You have to
ask.”
So today I am wondering, as I pass the sign for the animal
shelter, what would it look like if we all just let our neediness hang out
there. Put a sign on our desk or doorways – wore a nametag that stated very
clearly what we needed. I can’t think of anything scarier. BUT, without naming
the neediness, without letting others know the need, they don’t know. They are
not given the opportunity to help.
There are days I just need a few words of encouragement. Every
day I need people to say good morning to me. Some days I just need someone to
ask me how I am doing. Some really hard days I need a hug. I have actually
verbalized all of those needs over the past few months. And while it feels
awful to have to ask, I have gotten my needs met that way. Rather than sitting
there alone hoping someone somehow discerned I needed extra attention, rather
than worrying that I am “too needy” or “too much”, I just say, “hey, I miss you
and want to hang out.” Or “I am having a sad day and just need a hug”.
Really crazy stuff. Really scary stuff. But as always, I am
surprised by how effective it is. I am surprised by how a simple question can
deepen a relationship or make a new friend. Because vulnerability is attractive
to others. So rather than coming off looking like a mess, I have been told I am
really brave, or really open.
So maybe we all really should wear nametags stating our
greatest needs. Who knows what might happen if we just let people know what we
need?
