The Need to be Needy

There is an animal shelter right down the street from my house that has a giant sign outside. Most times this sign says things designed to pull the heart strings – like describing a lonely kitten or puppy that needs a home. But frequently, it simply says “Need dry dog food – Purina” or “Need kitty litter – any kind”. I have seen it a million times over the years, but this time it struck me differently.

I am a person who really lives to be needed. I have finally realized this about myself. I love to listen and be there for people when they go through crisis. I know how to sit in the hard times and give of my time and energy. I love it when someone comes to me for advice or when they are sad. Because deep down I feel needed – like there is a purpose for the pain I have gone through. That I was wired up a certain way for a reason. I like this feeling.

But the feeling I don’t like – is being needy. The very word “needy” makes me start to twitch and cringe. I don’t want anyone to know when I feel needy because this is not where I am comfortable. Being the needed one – I got that one down. But being needy – is not okay.

I was taught not to be needy. I was taught to be strong, to face adversity, to suck it up. And I do this REALLY well. So well, that most people have zero idea what is really going on with me. I used to wear this as a badge of honor. I can do it all by myself. I don’t need help.

But the problem with that strategy is that it is stupid. Let’s just be real. It is not possible for someone to never need anything. And by pretending I was fine and not letting others see that I was needy sometimes, I was doing myself a disservice. I was not allowing others to show they care for me. I wasn’t letting others walk with me.

I had lunch with a friend yesterday who asked me point blank, “how do you handle asking for help?” A few months ago I would have had a stock answer, making it look like I had it all together. I would use some platitudes and shrug aside the personal question by turning it back on the asker. But I have a different perspective now.

Because I have been working on showing when I am needy. I had tangible examples to give. And I was honest. “It sucks. It is awful. It is never comfortable to show when I need help. It doesn’t get easier – sometimes it actually gets harder. But you have to do it. Because guess what, we are all needy. And others want to help, but they aren’t going to magically see your need. I tried that for years and it didn’t work. I just got bitter that no one noticed the neediness that I hid inside. So you just have to do it. You have to ask.”

So today I am wondering, as I pass the sign for the animal shelter, what would it look like if we all just let our neediness hang out there. Put a sign on our desk or doorways – wore a nametag that stated very clearly what we needed. I can’t think of anything scarier. BUT, without naming the neediness, without letting others know the need, they don’t know. They are not given the opportunity to help.

There are days I just need a few words of encouragement. Every day I need people to say good morning to me. Some days I just need someone to ask me how I am doing. Some really hard days I need a hug. I have actually verbalized all of those needs over the past few months. And while it feels awful to have to ask, I have gotten my needs met that way. Rather than sitting there alone hoping someone somehow discerned I needed extra attention, rather than worrying that I am “too needy” or “too much”, I just say, “hey, I miss you and want to hang out.” Or “I am having a sad day and just need a hug”.

Really crazy stuff. Really scary stuff. But as always, I am surprised by how effective it is. I am surprised by how a simple question can deepen a relationship or make a new friend. Because vulnerability is attractive to others. So rather than coming off looking like a mess, I have been told I am really brave, or really open.

So maybe we all really should wear nametags stating our greatest needs. Who knows what might happen if we just let people know what we need?