Running into Walls

So my friend just recently reminded me of a dream she had once when my son was younger.  Andy was constantly running for the bathroom.  It became a huge joke amongst the adults because he would run into things, trip and fall…it was dangerous. So one day my friend had a dream that Andy died because he ran into the wall on his way to the bathroom.

It is not as morbid as it sounds…it was highly hilarious at the time and we could all picture it.  Andy -not calculating the distance around the corner just right and slamming into the wall.  It happened almost daily.

The interesting thing is that this could actually be a metaphor for Andy’s life.  The poor kid keeps finding himself running into walls.  Not literal ones (although my new garage door does attest to the fact that sometimes that is still true) but figurative ones.

Life is just hard for this poor kid.  He has always been socially awkward – being brainy and way smarter than everyone else.  But now he is all too aware that he is different.  He finds himself struggling to be “normal” and fit in with everyone else.  He feels like he just gets the momentum going and then he slams into some unforeseen wall and falls down.

What I would love to convey to him in words that would sink in to his heart is that EVERYONE feels this way.  I don’t care how popular, beautiful, smart, funny, or social you are.  Everyone has times when they feel like they don’t fit in.  And I would venture to guess that this is heightened during the high school and college years. Whoever it was that said high school is the best years of your life was just a liar.

Last year Andy asked me to watch a movie with him.  He had been watching this movie over and over again (something he definitely gets from me).  Something about it resonated deep within him and he was watching it over and over again to understand why it spoke to him.  The movie was “Pink Floyd’s The Wall”.  Which was very literally about a man who felt socially awkward and like he didn’t fit in.  It was about isolation and building walls to protect yourself from the pain of the world. 

I watched this movie with him and was amazed at how much he realized about himself.  How he got some measure of comfort from sharing this movie with me and with his friends.  He was very literally reaching out in the way that he knew how – through art and music – and telling everyone how he felt.  We had a fantastic conversation about this movie but it didn’t change how he felt.  It didn’t help make him understand that others feel this same way.  That he was not the only one.

Unfortunately, there is nothing that I can say to get him to understand this.  And nothing that I can do to prevent him from feeling this way …although the mother/fixer in me so wishes this were so.  I would give anything to spare my kids from pain.

I wish life were easier.  Although having gone through my share of pain and awkwardness, I know that there is often a reason and a lesson that is worth learning the hard way.  It would just be nice if some of the walls could be knocked down before we slam into them.  I am just saying…